John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
