Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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