omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
