i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
