you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
