I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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