So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
