Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
