dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
