Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you will always have a special place in my vag
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
