We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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