she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
