Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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