Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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