I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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