I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
