I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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