There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
