Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Still dying that you shit outside
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
