Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
