haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
MIDGETS
????
I just forgot I was standing up.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
