Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
