So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
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Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
you never un-have a 4some
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
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