Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
