woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
