how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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