I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?