Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
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The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
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I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards