The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.