woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??