wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him