Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
