They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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