I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
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Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
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I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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