Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.