No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
