A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
