oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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