Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
