you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
