I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
