Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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