I just gift wrapped bread.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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