i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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