I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
