Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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