i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
