There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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