with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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