I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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