if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
