I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
