I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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