I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
