I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
