You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I supernannyed him into submission
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
