Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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