In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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