hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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