We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
They have beer where we have blood.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
